Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pour Some Sugar on Me!

Weight loss update; I have lost 15lbs!  I’m pretty excited about that.  My clothes are definitely starting to fit better and my next personal goal is to be able to wear my wedding ring again.  I can get it on, but it’s just snug enough to be uncomfortable – so I’m thinking maybe another 5-10lbs.

So, after my last baby was born, I went to my Dr. to get on an antidepressant.  Well, the only thing it did for me was give me 10 more lbs in less than a month.  So, back to the Dr. I went and she put me on something different…….which leads me to this next part.

I started on my new medication.   I thought it was working out ok and I didn’t seem to have any side effects from it.  I wasn’t gaining any more weight and my appetite had actually decreased.  My sex drive was even coming back.  I was feeling pretty good.  All was well again in my kingdom.

So, when I hear the word ‘Sex Drive’ it automatically makes me think of Sex – as this person-type thing – driving down the road in a red convertible.  I picture her (in my case, she’s female) and she’s glowing red, smells like perfume, and has wild (naturally curly) hair that’s flying in the wind.  She’s wearing lingerie and her ample boobies are busting out and she’s not even driving the car with her hands.  She’s laid out across the seat with her back arched and steering with her stilettos.  ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ is constantly blaring from her radio and every time she taps on the horn, it comes out more like a moan/growl.   

So, meet my Sex Drive.  That’s what she looks like.  Well, that’s what she looked like when I was younger and before I had children.

Nowadays, my Sex Drive prefers to drive a mini-van.  She drives about 45 miles an hour and she listens to “Is There Life Out There?” by Reba Mcentire.  She doesn’t even go by ‘Sex Drive’ anymore.  Now, people just call her Jan.  Jan, the Mini-Van.

So, that’s my Sex Drive right now.  That’s what she looks like – after four kids and 50 extra pounds.

And did I also mention that she doesn’t even get out all that often?  Weeks, months will go by before I see her on the road.

So, I start my new medication and in my very distant rear view mirror, I see…….what looks like…….. a red sports car.  Now, it’s still a ways back, but it’s there.  I don’t get too excited.  It might never catch up or it might get off the highway – who knows.  I’m not getting attached.

After a couple of weeks I notice it’s gaining on me.  Not only can I clearly see that it is indeed a red sports car, but it also is…..a red convertible sports car!  How interesting!  But, still I wait and see.

Another week goes by and now the red convertible has come up directly behind me.  In fact, it’s tailgating me.  And sitting in the driver seat……..is my Sex Drive!!!!  I could not believe it!  She pulls up alongside of me, smiling and waving, and….she has…… fangs?   (True Blood anyone?)  Before I can even see what else has changed, she guns the engine and is off like a flash.  Ms.  Sex Drive is now driving faster than I am.  I race to catch up and am able to see her again……and now…… she’s naked!  I cannot believe it!  She’s naked with fangs and racing down the highway.  What does she think she’s doing?!  She takes off again and this time it takes me a long time to catch up to her.  I can hardly maintain the speed.  And now – she’s not alone!  She’s sitting in a man’s lap (facing him) and they are both naked and I cannot even say out loud what she was doing to him!  Has she no shame?!  And what is this naked man, doing in her car anyways…..oh wait, it’s my husband….ok..phew – that was close.  But still……she’s naked with fangs, molesting my husband, and racing down the highway.   And now, she’s so far ahead of me there is no way I can catch up to her now.

I was actually becoming a little scared of her.  I wondered what I would find the next time I saw her.  I wondered what the hell had gotten into her.  I mean, yeah sure – she had some crazy times in her heyday – but that was prude compared to what she’s been doing lately.

I went back to my Dr. for a follow up visit and she asked me how things were going.  I almost didn’t want to ask her about it.  I’m guessing most Dr.’s don’t hear their patients say, “Yeah – um…..lately, I’ve been bumping uglies with my husband every night and sometimes twice.  You got something for that?”  I mean, it’s kind of like complaining about a present someone gives you.  You would just look like a total bitch.  Just say thank you and be sure to bring it out when they come over to visit.  And, I was glad to be feeling that way, but I was also a little nervous ; wondering if one day I would be at work and  suddenly attack our UPS man.

It turns out that the medication I’m taking for depression is also used to treat sexual dysfunction.  Which, in my opinion, sounds like all this medicine does is treat sexual dysfunction and then the depression clears itself up.  I mean, how can you be depressed if you’re too busy being horny?

But, anywho – meet my new Sex Drive.  Or at least, catch a glimpse of her as she runs you over.

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