Sunday, May 6, 2012

Others who are in da moood

I just wanted to add a little something to my previous post.....

While I was thinking of my playlist and what would be on it, I sought out the help of some friends who I knew would also have some good suggestions and who I also knew would not be surprised or bothered by my imagined video montages.  

First, I inquired of my friend, Sasha (*see my post, 'You Got Toilet Paper Down There'), what her sexual playlist is.  As most of my songs were also some of her songs, she did have a few goodies to add.

Crazy Bitch (Buck Cherry) - This is totally a 'Sasha' song.  Sasha is neither crazy, nor a bitch (well, not unless she purposely wants to be; like most women), but......I would venture to say that some of her lovers have woken up after a night with her - hungover, clothes half-ripped off, covered in love bites/scratches......still tied to their beds, and thought, "OMG - did I dream that?" 

Get Off (Prince) - '23 positions in a one night stand'......'let a man be a woman and a woman be a man'....
Enough said.

You can Leave Your Hat On (Joe Cocker) - I actually share a fond memory of this song with Sasha.  It was the night I met 'ET man' (*See previous post about the ET song by Katy Perry).  Any ways, we had met him and his friends at a bar and after closing time, everyone went back to someone's house to continue the party.  Sasha turned on the stereo that was in the living room and that song was on.  Since we like this song, we started being kind of silly and dancing and acting like we were really holding a hat and putting it on.....(ladies, you know what I'm talking about).  Now, we weren't like doing a full on production of this or anything; just a few little moves - just being silly - and really not thinking anyone was even paying attention.  

Wrong.  It was like a roomful of crickets.

We look around and all these guys (who just seconds ago were drinking and burping and trying to decide who did in fact have the biggest johnson) are just staring at us.....saying they thought that at any moment we might really start taking everything off.  It was like they couldn't believe their luck and didn't want to say anything and jinx it.  It was funny and a little uncomfortable actually.

Put Your Hands On Me (Joss Stone) - this is what Sasha is rocking to at the moment.  She is recently single and currently in the process of reconnecting with an old flame.  I told her I want a full report later.

Next, my friend - who is also the photographer of the upcoming booty shoot- sent me her list.  And she had some really, really good ones that I had forgotten all about.  Some them were:

Crash (Dave Matthews)
Closer (Nine Inch Nails)

Wicked Games (Chris Issak) - Man - oh - holy - hell, if you ever seen the video to this than you can totally understand why I'm not sure who I'm more attracted to; Chris Issak or Helena Christensen.  Or......maybe both at the same time?

Crazy (Aerosmith) - For this song, my friend (the photographer) said this: 
"I can't listen to Steven Tyler's twangy "c'mere baby" without picturing myself strutting across a room in a trench coat, with nothing underneath.  And then I put myself in that Liv Tyler/Alicia Silverstone set up, where Liv is dancing around a stripper pole.  I was, so early junior high, but I STILL remember that video and it's first in my mind when I think of a sexy playlist."

Lastly, my friend, "Anastasia" gave me "T-Shirt and My Panties On" by Adina Howard.  

My friend suggested this song to me over the phone.  She suggested it to me over the phone, while I was at work and editing a very important document for my boss.  Because I am so busy and haven't a moment to spare, I wrote the name of this song down on a teeny tiny blue post-it.  Guess what else I put all over teeny tiny blue post-its?  Yep, all of the corrections/notes that I saw on that very important document for my boss. And guess exactly which teeny tiny blue post-it was nowhere to be found when it was time to leave (after I had hand delivered that document to my boss)?  Yep, on that very important document - among suggestions like, 'need more information on supervision here' and 'maybe take out this paragraph' was Anastasia's suggestion of, 'T-Shirt and My Panties on'.  Hand-delivered to my 40-something year old male boss, who is also a physician.

I grabbed  my stuff and was prepared to actually tackle my boss to the floor so I could get the document back and remove the post-it.  Luckily right before I clothes-lined him, a tiny scrap of paper fluttered to the floor.  It was in fact the very blue post-it I was looking for.  I had forgotten that I had put in on the back of my phone - so I knew I would be sure to take it home.  Phew!!!!!!

Who knew making a playlist could be so dangerous?

I wasn't really worried that if my boss had seen the post-it that I would be fired.  In fact, I could probably tell my boss exactly why I wrote that down and he wouldn't be mad.  Embarrassed definitely, but not mad.

I guess what I was really worried about is that he would ask to see my playlist and then say something like, "Yeah, those are all good songs, but have you thought about these........."

Wish me luck today! 

But first, we got to create da mooood – Sebastian, Little Mermaid

So, today is my much anticipated photographical debut (A.K.A – The Booty Shoot).

I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.  I’ve just about lost the almost 30lbs I gained with Moose (but still have 20 or so to go after that). 

It was suggested to me that drinking some wine at the shoot might help to loosen me up and allow me to get more into the spirit of things.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am extremely tightly-wound little person.  I don’t think my ass cheeks are ever unclenched.  I was that way when I was a little girl and the only thing that has changed over the years is that – thanks to the many traumatic experiences people usually go through in life – I went from being a serious, slightly sensitive little girl to the neurotic, hyper vigilant, hypochondriac I am today.

So – I guess what I’m saying is that it is probably a freaking great idea that I drink today. 

But true to form, I am even obsessing over that part just a little.  It’s timing really.  I mean, I don’t want to start drinking while I’m getting ready for the shoot, like while I’m still at home.  If I did that, I might not even make it to the shoot.  I would find myself sitting on my couch watching re-runs of the ‘Golden Girls’ on TV – crying about how I use to watch this show with my grandma (who’s dead now), smashed, and wearing a thong teddy.  Did I mention today is Sunday?  And my shoot is in the afternoon?  Yeah, that would look real good when my kid’s grandparents bring them home from church.  Besides, I’m having my hair and makeup done this morning, before I even go to the shoot.  So, think of all the places my drunk ass would have to remember to go, not to mention that I am an upstanding citizen and would find it completely unforgivable to get pulled over for something like this.  I mean, getting a DUI when you’ve been out at the club with your girls is one thing, but I just will not tolerate getting a DUI on a Sunday, while driving to a hotel room so me and several other girls can take nude photos.  I do have some principles people!

So – drinking before the shoot is a no-go.

I suppose I could take a bottle of wine and drink after I get to the shoot, while the other girls are getting their pics taken. 

Except…….I know that waiting for my turn and seeing the other women do their sessions will probably make me even more nervous…….which will then lead me to probably drinking more than I would normally…….which will then lead to me probably being more drunk.

So – yes, while I would probably end up just throwing myself naked on the bed, or on the chair, or on any other immoveable object – I would also probably end up strutting my drunk, naked ass out to my mini-van when it’s time to go home.  Not to mention that I am an upstanding citizen and would find it completely unforgiveable to get pulled over for something like this.  I mean, getting a DUI when you’ve been at a hotel room with several other girls having nude photos taken is one thing, but I just will not tolerate getting a DUI on a Sunday, while driving naked.  I do have some principles people!
Ok – so maybe drinking period for this event is a no-go.

It was also suggested to me that bringing along some inspirational music (sexy jams, not freakin Amy Grant) might also help to relax me.  Ok – so I could do a playlist of sexy music; no problem.  I could listen to it while I’m getting ready, on the way, during the shoot – the possibilities are endless.  And really, what’s the worst that could happen with that?  I might leave the house really believing that I did in fact bring Sexy Back?

So – sexy playlist it is!

Now, on to the list.

(Ok – so up front, I’m just going to put it right out there that I am that weird girl who has a video montage playing in my head every time I hear a song I like.  Judge me or not; I don’t care.)

Sexy Back (Justin Temberlake) -  (might as well start there) – This came out when I was about 25ish.  This was one of the few songs that I loved immediately the first time I heard it. 

Every time I listened to it, I would picture myself at a club.  Only, in my scenario this particular club featured a group of well-trained, hot dancers (think Pussy Cat Dolls) who come out every so often and do a choreographed dance routine for the club patrons.  I, of course, was one of the dancers.  To add more to the plot, when I would run out onto the dance floor, I would discover that among the crowd was one of my exes.  (At that time, it was this guy who had jerked me around for a few months.  He would tell me he didn’t want any kind of relationship; that he just wanted to be friends and ‘hang out’.  Except – guess what else he wanted to ‘hang out’?  He just wanted me to be his FB (F-ck Buddy) and then one day he told me that he was ready for a relationship……with some other girl.)  So, this douche would be in the crowd at my imaginary bar where I was an imaginary dancer with this imaginary dance troupe.  He wouldn’t see me right when I came out or maybe he didn’t recognize me because I looked so hot; so un-like anything I’ve ever looked like.  At this particular part in the music – right at the crescendo – I would find myself dancing right in front of him and would stare him straight in his eyes and just blow him over with my overwhelming hotness and confidence.  Of course he would recognize me and his eyes would pop out of his head.  His friends would ogle me and tell him what a fool he was – even though he already knew he was a fool.

Ahh – I loved that song.  I loved that montage.  That was when I had just separated from my first husband and had lost all of my married/baby weight.  I was able to take care of myself and my two kids completely on my own and hadn’t felt that good about myself in a long time.  So – essentially, I was bringing ‘Sexy Back’; not just in my mind, but in my real life as well.

Buttons (PCD) – this song is also a fav of my friend, Sasha.  The scene for this song is pretty much the same one I have with Sexy Back – even more so, because the PCDs are a hot dance troupe.  And I totally look like the Nicole Scherzinger.  (Hey, it’s my fantasy.)  Sometimes with this song, instead of being part of a troupe at a club, I’m a stripper.  But not like that’s my usual profession – more like I’m there for amateur night and my friends have dared me to.   And then said ex-douche is sitting in pervert row. 

I Want Your Sex (George Michaels) – with this one, I’m a good girl.  Not good girl – like virgin good, but more like I’m unaware of how hot I really am.  (Again, MY fantasy; quit rolling your eyes.)  Some really suave – out of my league (Eric Northman from TrueBlood) guy is trying his best to convince me that even though he’s a total player, I’m the only woman he could ever want.  The man changes from time to time depending on who my celebrity crush is at the moment.

I’m kind of thinking I should write trashy romance novels or something……any way, moving on.

Feeling Love (Paula Cole) – this isn’t a really well known song; unless of course you’re a Lilith Fair fan.  It’s from the ‘City of Angels’ soundtrack and it’s the song that’s being played in the movie when Meg Ryan is taking a hot, steamy bubble bath while drinking a beer.  Nicholas Cage is in the room watching her (which she doesn’t know) and he is almost in agony with watching her.  At one point, I think he even has to turn his head; he just can’t stand it.  I didn’t have to go really too far with that one.  Sometimes I use that same scenario – only instead of an angel in my bathroom, it’s the lawn service guy who’s in the background mowing my grass and notices that he can see in my bathroom window.  If I was in a relationship, than that was the song I would use to do my imaginary strip routine for my boyfriend. 

Darling Nikki (Prince or the Foo Fighters) – either version is awesome.  This song I use in several of the above fantasies.  Instead of there being an ex-douche though, it’s always a guy that knows me but doesn’t really pay much attention to me.  So, he is completely shocked to find this straight-laced executress sliding down a poll in a G-string.  And since strippers generally don’t look at anyone in particular while they’re dancing, the guy assumes that I don’t notice him.  I don’t make eye contact to the very last part of the song where it says, “thank you for a funky time; call me up whenever you want to grind.”  Good stuff.

ET; Extra Terrestrial (Katy Perry) – this is my most recent one.  Another one that I loved right when I heard it.  This montage is almost funny; I hesitate to even write it.  But, basically it’s Halloween and I’m at a club and it’s the first time I’ve been out since losing all of my weight and having my boob job and tummy tuck (my 5 year plan).  Incredibly my hair is also down to my waist somehow.  So, it’s Halloween and since this is my first ‘hot’ Halloween in many years, I decide to dress my sexiest.  And probably because of the video for this song, I’m dressed like a sexy alien.  (Laugh if you want, but Katy Perry is every bit a totally sexy alien in that video).  So, there I am – walking through the club – and even though everyone is staring at me, I only notice this one guy sitting at a table.  He is talking to his friends and hasn’t even looked my way yet.  This guy is also one of my exes.  Only he definitely wasn’t a douche.  He was ‘the one that got away’.  I was crazy about this guy and at the time he was perfect for me.  But, we wanted different things and I knew that in the end he would break my heart and so I broke it off….and the very next guy I dated was my husband.  I wasn’t with that guy long enough for us to have any serious problems due to our differences so, when we broke up, we had essentially never had an argument, disagreement, differing of opinion, nada.  When I left, it/he was perfect.  It’s an unrequited love type thing.  So, there is Mr. Unrequited at the table with his friends when I walk right up to him.  Of course he is shocked and we both just stare at each and it’s like five years ago.  Like, we had never been apart.  I guess this is more of a romantic nature. 

Let me stop right now and say that I know in my head that had we stayed together, I would not think this way about him.  He was not my one great love or my ‘Mr. Big’.  It was just simply the fact that we did not stay together long enough for the flame to burn out.  Assuredly, it would have.  And if I had stayed with him, I wouldn’t have met my husband – who is my one great love……….anyway, moving on.

So, those are the songs that come to mind when I think of a sexy playlist.  There are other honorable mentions for sure:

Dirty (Christian Aguilera)
Bad Things (Jace Everett)
Feel like Making Love to You (Bad Company)
Southside (Gwen Stefani)
Ooh, Ahh (Boys to Men – yes that is hella old school, but I still find that song damn hot!)
I want to Sex You Up (Color Me Badd – while we’re going there.)
Pussy Control (Prince)
Rag Doll (Aerosmith)
Criminal (Fiona Apple)
Pour Some Sugar on Me (Def Leopard)

Hmmmm, I’m sure there’s others; they’ll come to me.

Phew, Ok – I’m definitely ready for my photo shoot now!  

Well…….maybe not quite ready, but I do know that I’m ready to go find my husband and inform him that I did, in fact, ‘Bring Sexy Back’.  J


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Day The Moose Was Born

I cannot believe that in 30 minutes my little baby will be 1 year old!

Seems like yesterday.

I had the worst pregnancy with Moose.  I don't do pregnancy well anyways, but this pregnancy was just awful!   Without giving a complete medical history of myself, the following is a list of the various ailments that plagued me for the ENTIRE nine months that I gestated the Moose.
                        Hives (due to the fact I was told my baby might not have a head)
                        Severe Hypotension (low blood pressure)
                        Fainting (due to the low blood pressure)
                        Pregnancy-induced Tachycardia (high heart rate)

I guess I should explain the 'baby not having a head part'.

When I was around 17 weeks pregnant or so, I had the ole Quad Test.  Blood was taken from my arm and tested for several things, one of which was AFP (Alpha Fetal Protein).  This is the test that usually gives a woman her personal odds of her baby having Down Syndrome or some other abnormality.  I had this test with both of my other children so when they asked me if I wanted it with Moose, I looked up from the bag of Sea Salt and Vinegar Chips that I was stuffing my face with and said, "Sure - oh, and could the Dr. sign this parking permit pass for my work?  I'm trying to get the parking office to let me park closer to the entrance of my building."

So a week or so goes by and I completely forgot about the test.  I was scheduled to have my Anatomy Ultrasound (the big ultrasound) that next week, so when my Dr.'s number showed up on my phone on that particular day, I thought it was a reminder call for my next appointment.


Turns out that my test results came back and while I had like a one in a billion chance of the baby having Down Syndrome, I had like a 1 in 6 chance that it didn't have a head.  (Or Spina Bifida or another neural tube defect)  That is not the best news to receive as you are about to merge onto the highway at 70 mph as you drive home from work.  I became hysterical and called my husband and after five minutes of him saying, "Okay, slow down - now what happened to your head?", I was finally able to convey to him that my head was not the head in question, but our precious baby's.  To which he replied, "Where did it go?  It was there at your last ultrasound."

I must point out that my husband is one of those individuals who's thoughts run in a logical-only kind of way. He doesn't express a whole lot of emotion, except when it involves the wasting of food or money.  So, again - after five minutes of me telling him everything that the Dr. had told me - he said, "Umm, so how does that happen; that a baby wouldn't have a head?  How would that test know that exactly?"

So, I let my husband go and called my mother who gave the appropriate response.

The Dr. moved my ultrasound up to the day after the next and as it turns out, it takes exactly that long for my brain to effectively convince my body that the best way to deal with this situation is to have a ginormous allergic reaction - complete with hives.

Two days later, I sat - itching - in a room with my husband, both of our mother's, the Genetics Dr., and a poor medical student who kept offering me something to drink.  (I think so he could leave the room.)  Now, don't ask me why, but before we could have our ultrasound we had to sit down with this Dr. and go over our family histories, our medical histories, our mothers' families histories.......a lot of history.  After an hour, the Dr. then proceeds to draw us a diagram.....showing us that there is nothing on either side of our trees to explain why our baby might be missing its head.  Both family trees - all heads accounted for.

Well that was helpful; I mean, I never knew that my mother's mother had a tilted uterus before.  Good stuff to know.

Into the ultrasound room we go and as I climb into the chair thing, the Dr. starts to leave the room and says, "Ok, so the tech will do the ultrasound and then afterward, I will come in here and let you know what I see and if there is anything wrong."  Well I would hope that even I would be able to see or rather not see a head.  Does he really need to confirm that?  But, it could also be a number of other things and there is no way I was going to go through the whole ultrasound and then have the Dr. give me bad news.  I think that's pretty much word for word what I said.  He decided to stay and give me a play-by-play of what he was seeing as the ultrasound was taking place.  Good idea.

The ultrasound starts and I could barely look at the screen.  Luckily, Moose was in the most perfect position  for the Dr.  He was curled over in a ball - showing every little detail of his beautiful, perfect spine.  And attached to that beautiful, perfect spine was the most beautiful, perfect head I had ever seen.

The baby is perfect.

Everyone was so happy and so relieved that no one even asked what gender the baby was.  The tech almost even forgot to look for it.

Now, I need to point out that I had 3 kids; a daughter, a son, and a step-son.  So - two boys.  I will not even apologize for hoping that this one as a girl.  Anyone who knows my sons totally understands.  I had gone to the ER when I was around 15 weeks pregnant due to some stomach pain I was having.  The ER Dr.  gave me a quick ultrasound just to make sure the baby was doing ok and after begging him for ten minutes, he looked at my baby's junk and said, "Yep, it's a Girl; I see the 'hamburger'."  I had been beyond thrilled, crying tears of joy.  My husband's reaction was to say, "Why did he say hamburger?  I've never heard it called that.  Wouldn't taco have been more accurate; I mean, I've heard it called that before."  He also said that he didn't believe the ER Dr.  My husband told me that this baby was going to be a boy and he wouldn't believe otherwise until my OB-GYN told him so.

He cursed me.

Flash forward to that day in that ultrasound room and when the tech said, "Oh - I almost forgot, do you want to know the sex?", I said, "Sure - oh, and can I sit up a little bit; my blood pressure is a little too low and I'm feeling faint."

She said, "Here we are."  I look up and all I see is this big baby penis on the ultrasound screen.  I totally forgot that I should be beyond grateful that my baby didn't lose its head and was - instead - beyond shocked that it had grown a penis instead.

Everyone is laughing and crying (tears of happiness and relief) and congratulating me and my hubby and my reaction was, "How did he grow a penis?  He didn't have one a couple of weeks ago?  Does that happen very often?"  I just refused to believe that I was going to have 3! boys.  I was in such disbelief that for weeks afterward, I was convinced that my baby was actually a hermaphrodite -which accounted for the 'hamburger' that I swore had been there.

My Dr. determined or rather declared that since the baby was structurally fine, than my placenta must not be and that I should have monthly ultrasounds to make sure that he was growing appropriately.

That turned out not to be a problem, as Moose grew so well that eventually he was measuring a week or more ahead.  He became, 'the big guy' instead of 'the little man' and finally became, 'The Moose'.  I knew the Dr.'s were even taking note because at my very last ultrasound (before he was born), the Dr. actually checked my C-Section scar just to make sure 'it was holding up'.

About ten days out from my scheduled C-Section, I started having contractions.  They would start and stop, start and stop.  And they were really painful.  I decided that at my next Dr.'s appointment I would ask my Dr. about it.  That Monday, I lay back on the exam table and before I could ask her if she thought it was contractions that were causing my pain, she dispelled that by telling me that my uterus was in danger of erupting and I needed to go straight to the hospital.  I frantically started calling everyone including my husband who had actually just went to sleep.  (He works graveyard.)  So, after five minutes of me calling him over and over again, he finally answers the phone and then proceeds to say, "Huh.....oh......yeah, I'm awake.....ok, well call me if they keep you.....night."  I had to call him back again and spend five more minutes making sure he really was awake and reminding him to make arrangements for the dogs.  After which, I hung up with him and a short while later, my mother-in-law called me and said, "'T' called me - now, what's wrong with your dogs?"

Exactly 1.5 hours later - from the time I walked into my Dr.'s appointment - I was laying in a hospital bed, my whole family was crowded into the tiny triage area and my Dr. was gowned and masked.  We were excited, anxious, and..........still waiting on my husband to arrive.

He finally strolls in and leisurely begins to put our bags down and hug various family members.  My Dr. is standing in the doorway to the triage room - tapping her bootie-covered foot.  It's time to go.

Exactly 2 hours later - from the time I walked into my Dr.'s appointment - 'The Moose' came into this world.  May 2, 2011.  Ironically, the Moose was not a moose at all; weighing 6lbs. 13oz and only 20 inches long.  My smallest baby by far.  We decided to call him Moose any ways.  His birth turned out to be just as troublesome as my pregnancy.  He ended up with PPHN (look it up) and had to spend a week in the NICU.  Moose ended up coming home on me and my husband's 2nd wedding anniversary.

I cannot believe that was a year ago.
I cannot believe how lucky and blessed I am that he did in fact have a head.
I cannot believe I ever thought he was a hermaphrodite.
I cannot believe I thought I wanted a girl.

But mainly - even with him being my fourth child - I cannot believe how much I love that little Moose.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!