Sunday, May 6, 2012

But first, we got to create da mooood – Sebastian, Little Mermaid

So, today is my much anticipated photographical debut (A.K.A – The Booty Shoot).

I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.  I’ve just about lost the almost 30lbs I gained with Moose (but still have 20 or so to go after that). 

It was suggested to me that drinking some wine at the shoot might help to loosen me up and allow me to get more into the spirit of things.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am extremely tightly-wound little person.  I don’t think my ass cheeks are ever unclenched.  I was that way when I was a little girl and the only thing that has changed over the years is that – thanks to the many traumatic experiences people usually go through in life – I went from being a serious, slightly sensitive little girl to the neurotic, hyper vigilant, hypochondriac I am today.

So – I guess what I’m saying is that it is probably a freaking great idea that I drink today. 

But true to form, I am even obsessing over that part just a little.  It’s timing really.  I mean, I don’t want to start drinking while I’m getting ready for the shoot, like while I’m still at home.  If I did that, I might not even make it to the shoot.  I would find myself sitting on my couch watching re-runs of the ‘Golden Girls’ on TV – crying about how I use to watch this show with my grandma (who’s dead now), smashed, and wearing a thong teddy.  Did I mention today is Sunday?  And my shoot is in the afternoon?  Yeah, that would look real good when my kid’s grandparents bring them home from church.  Besides, I’m having my hair and makeup done this morning, before I even go to the shoot.  So, think of all the places my drunk ass would have to remember to go, not to mention that I am an upstanding citizen and would find it completely unforgivable to get pulled over for something like this.  I mean, getting a DUI when you’ve been out at the club with your girls is one thing, but I just will not tolerate getting a DUI on a Sunday, while driving to a hotel room so me and several other girls can take nude photos.  I do have some principles people!

So – drinking before the shoot is a no-go.

I suppose I could take a bottle of wine and drink after I get to the shoot, while the other girls are getting their pics taken. 

Except…….I know that waiting for my turn and seeing the other women do their sessions will probably make me even more nervous…….which will then lead me to probably drinking more than I would normally…….which will then lead to me probably being more drunk.

So – yes, while I would probably end up just throwing myself naked on the bed, or on the chair, or on any other immoveable object – I would also probably end up strutting my drunk, naked ass out to my mini-van when it’s time to go home.  Not to mention that I am an upstanding citizen and would find it completely unforgiveable to get pulled over for something like this.  I mean, getting a DUI when you’ve been at a hotel room with several other girls having nude photos taken is one thing, but I just will not tolerate getting a DUI on a Sunday, while driving naked.  I do have some principles people!
Ok – so maybe drinking period for this event is a no-go.

It was also suggested to me that bringing along some inspirational music (sexy jams, not freakin Amy Grant) might also help to relax me.  Ok – so I could do a playlist of sexy music; no problem.  I could listen to it while I’m getting ready, on the way, during the shoot – the possibilities are endless.  And really, what’s the worst that could happen with that?  I might leave the house really believing that I did in fact bring Sexy Back?

So – sexy playlist it is!

Now, on to the list.

(Ok – so up front, I’m just going to put it right out there that I am that weird girl who has a video montage playing in my head every time I hear a song I like.  Judge me or not; I don’t care.)

Sexy Back (Justin Temberlake) -  (might as well start there) – This came out when I was about 25ish.  This was one of the few songs that I loved immediately the first time I heard it. 

Every time I listened to it, I would picture myself at a club.  Only, in my scenario this particular club featured a group of well-trained, hot dancers (think Pussy Cat Dolls) who come out every so often and do a choreographed dance routine for the club patrons.  I, of course, was one of the dancers.  To add more to the plot, when I would run out onto the dance floor, I would discover that among the crowd was one of my exes.  (At that time, it was this guy who had jerked me around for a few months.  He would tell me he didn’t want any kind of relationship; that he just wanted to be friends and ‘hang out’.  Except – guess what else he wanted to ‘hang out’?  He just wanted me to be his FB (F-ck Buddy) and then one day he told me that he was ready for a relationship……with some other girl.)  So, this douche would be in the crowd at my imaginary bar where I was an imaginary dancer with this imaginary dance troupe.  He wouldn’t see me right when I came out or maybe he didn’t recognize me because I looked so hot; so un-like anything I’ve ever looked like.  At this particular part in the music – right at the crescendo – I would find myself dancing right in front of him and would stare him straight in his eyes and just blow him over with my overwhelming hotness and confidence.  Of course he would recognize me and his eyes would pop out of his head.  His friends would ogle me and tell him what a fool he was – even though he already knew he was a fool.

Ahh – I loved that song.  I loved that montage.  That was when I had just separated from my first husband and had lost all of my married/baby weight.  I was able to take care of myself and my two kids completely on my own and hadn’t felt that good about myself in a long time.  So – essentially, I was bringing ‘Sexy Back’; not just in my mind, but in my real life as well.

Buttons (PCD) – this song is also a fav of my friend, Sasha.  The scene for this song is pretty much the same one I have with Sexy Back – even more so, because the PCDs are a hot dance troupe.  And I totally look like the Nicole Scherzinger.  (Hey, it’s my fantasy.)  Sometimes with this song, instead of being part of a troupe at a club, I’m a stripper.  But not like that’s my usual profession – more like I’m there for amateur night and my friends have dared me to.   And then said ex-douche is sitting in pervert row. 

I Want Your Sex (George Michaels) – with this one, I’m a good girl.  Not good girl – like virgin good, but more like I’m unaware of how hot I really am.  (Again, MY fantasy; quit rolling your eyes.)  Some really suave – out of my league (Eric Northman from TrueBlood) guy is trying his best to convince me that even though he’s a total player, I’m the only woman he could ever want.  The man changes from time to time depending on who my celebrity crush is at the moment.

I’m kind of thinking I should write trashy romance novels or something……any way, moving on.

Feeling Love (Paula Cole) – this isn’t a really well known song; unless of course you’re a Lilith Fair fan.  It’s from the ‘City of Angels’ soundtrack and it’s the song that’s being played in the movie when Meg Ryan is taking a hot, steamy bubble bath while drinking a beer.  Nicholas Cage is in the room watching her (which she doesn’t know) and he is almost in agony with watching her.  At one point, I think he even has to turn his head; he just can’t stand it.  I didn’t have to go really too far with that one.  Sometimes I use that same scenario – only instead of an angel in my bathroom, it’s the lawn service guy who’s in the background mowing my grass and notices that he can see in my bathroom window.  If I was in a relationship, than that was the song I would use to do my imaginary strip routine for my boyfriend. 

Darling Nikki (Prince or the Foo Fighters) – either version is awesome.  This song I use in several of the above fantasies.  Instead of there being an ex-douche though, it’s always a guy that knows me but doesn’t really pay much attention to me.  So, he is completely shocked to find this straight-laced executress sliding down a poll in a G-string.  And since strippers generally don’t look at anyone in particular while they’re dancing, the guy assumes that I don’t notice him.  I don’t make eye contact to the very last part of the song where it says, “thank you for a funky time; call me up whenever you want to grind.”  Good stuff.

ET; Extra Terrestrial (Katy Perry) – this is my most recent one.  Another one that I loved right when I heard it.  This montage is almost funny; I hesitate to even write it.  But, basically it’s Halloween and I’m at a club and it’s the first time I’ve been out since losing all of my weight and having my boob job and tummy tuck (my 5 year plan).  Incredibly my hair is also down to my waist somehow.  So, it’s Halloween and since this is my first ‘hot’ Halloween in many years, I decide to dress my sexiest.  And probably because of the video for this song, I’m dressed like a sexy alien.  (Laugh if you want, but Katy Perry is every bit a totally sexy alien in that video).  So, there I am – walking through the club – and even though everyone is staring at me, I only notice this one guy sitting at a table.  He is talking to his friends and hasn’t even looked my way yet.  This guy is also one of my exes.  Only he definitely wasn’t a douche.  He was ‘the one that got away’.  I was crazy about this guy and at the time he was perfect for me.  But, we wanted different things and I knew that in the end he would break my heart and so I broke it off….and the very next guy I dated was my husband.  I wasn’t with that guy long enough for us to have any serious problems due to our differences so, when we broke up, we had essentially never had an argument, disagreement, differing of opinion, nada.  When I left, it/he was perfect.  It’s an unrequited love type thing.  So, there is Mr. Unrequited at the table with his friends when I walk right up to him.  Of course he is shocked and we both just stare at each and it’s like five years ago.  Like, we had never been apart.  I guess this is more of a romantic nature. 

Let me stop right now and say that I know in my head that had we stayed together, I would not think this way about him.  He was not my one great love or my ‘Mr. Big’.  It was just simply the fact that we did not stay together long enough for the flame to burn out.  Assuredly, it would have.  And if I had stayed with him, I wouldn’t have met my husband – who is my one great love……….anyway, moving on.

So, those are the songs that come to mind when I think of a sexy playlist.  There are other honorable mentions for sure:

Dirty (Christian Aguilera)
Bad Things (Jace Everett)
Feel like Making Love to You (Bad Company)
Southside (Gwen Stefani)
Ooh, Ahh (Boys to Men – yes that is hella old school, but I still find that song damn hot!)
I want to Sex You Up (Color Me Badd – while we’re going there.)
Pussy Control (Prince)
Rag Doll (Aerosmith)
Criminal (Fiona Apple)
Pour Some Sugar on Me (Def Leopard)

Hmmmm, I’m sure there’s others; they’ll come to me.

Phew, Ok – I’m definitely ready for my photo shoot now!  

Well…….maybe not quite ready, but I do know that I’m ready to go find my husband and inform him that I did, in fact, ‘Bring Sexy Back’.  J


No comments:

Post a Comment